Enjoy the monologue jokes below:  

At a rally this week, Bernie Sanders had to quieten a crying baby.  In fact, Bernie had a lot in common with the baby: both his platform and baby’s diaper needed changing.

 

President Trump is holding fast to his claim that Hurricane Dorian had the potential of being a huge threat to Alabama. Everybody knows that the only threat to Alabama is Clemson.
 

Princess Charlotte, age 4 went to her first day of school with parents Prince William and Kate Middleton.  It was a sweet day.  For show and tell, she showed them England.

 

John Travolta’s latest movie, “The Fanatic” only made $3,000 on opening weekend.  And if you want to know what $3,000 means in the world of movies: Coke and popcorn for a family of four.  

 

When asked recently exactly why he’s running for president, Joe Biden said, “I don’t know.  ...Am I running for president?”

 

Scientists are talking about a hidden fault underneath Los Angeles that could cause an earthquake. An earthquake could be very jarring, just like being in a boat wreck with Kevin O’Leary.
 

The director of “Batman Forever,” Joel Schumacher says he’s had up to 20,000 sexual partners.  Wilt Chamberlain smiled from the grave and said, “He’s only tied my record.” 

 

Apple is apologizing for letting contractors eavesdrop on Siri sex conversations.  Contractors were like , “Thank goodness, that Jeffrey Epstein guy wore us out.”

 

Tommy, the world’s oldest pet tortoise celebrated her 121st birthday. She has survived two world wars, 21 US Presidents and over 100 family holiday dinners.

 

Now in his 8th marriage, Larry King is filing for divorce. Wow, he’s had more rings on his finger than Tom Brady.
 

Good news: Joe Biden’s brain surgeon says his brain is fine and he’s as sharp as he was 31 years ago.  The bad news:  folks, this is as good as it gets.

 

A man has been arrested on suspicion of deliberately killing two wild peacocks in Los Angeles.  Ask NBC, if you want to kill a peacock, just watch Hulu.

 

President Trump canceled his trip to Greenland when he found it wasn’t for sale. Greenland said, You’re already a slum lord, look what’s happened to San Francisco.”  Ouch.
 

 

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