Monologue Jokes

  • After 12 years of leading Jack Daniels, master distiller, Jeff Arnett is stepping down. When asked how he knew it was time to go, he said, “I read the handwriting on the floor.”

  • President Trump said that he won’t allow defunding of the military’s independent newspaper, “Stars and Stripes.” Critics argued that if you wanted to know more about the military, just watch reruns of Gomer Pyle.

  • Novak Djokovic, Serbian superstar was disqualified from the US Open after he accidentally hit a lineswoman with a ball in a fit of anger.  It’s hard to tell what tennis fans hate the most, Djokovic’s treatment of the lineswoman or his crummy impressions of Maria Sharapova.

  • Virgin Galactic plans two more test flights before flying founder Sir Richard Branson in early 2021.  The CEO of Virgin is being flung out into space. Beleaguered warehouse workers at Amazon sighed, “If we should be so lucky…”

  • Virgin Galactic plans two more test flights before flying founder Sir Richard Branson in early 2021.  It makes sense.  A guy whose brand is Virgin is headed into space in search of another black hole.

  • A man in Austria beat his own record by keeping his body fully submerged on ice for over 2 ½ hours.  A person hasn’t been put on ice this badly since John Bolton got kicked out of the Trump administration.

  • Some boats sank in a Texas lake during a boat parade for support of President Trump.  And it was as expected, Gilligan blamed the tragedy on “The Skipper.”

  • Over the weekend a tropical depression formed in the Atlantic. Forecasters were relieved when they found that the tropical depression was just Joe Biden bummed because no one gave him a boat parade.

  • The Prince formerly known as Harry and wife Meghan have repaid the British taxpayers for the refurbishment of Frogmore Cottage to the tune of a little over 3 million dollars. Harry is paying out the butt for a house, just like he’ll have to do when he divorces Meghan.

  • A Bible that President Trump had signed is going up for auction and they expect the bids to be very high. The Bible is in very good condition because it was never used.

  • Being the real estate developer he is at heart, Trump tried to change the name of “The Tower of Babel” to Trump Tower.

  • The French Open Tennis Tournament is rescheduled for later this month despite the growing number of Covid-19 cases in France. Turns out fans aren’t nearly as worried about getting hit with COVID as they are being hit from a ball by Novak Djokovic.

  • The horse “Authentic” upset the 146th running of the Kentucky Derby over “Tiz the Law.” This speaks volumes because lately, the law doesn’t mean anything.

  • This week in California, an additional 7,000 acres of land has burned due to a gender reveal party. The revealing of someone’s penis hasn’t caused this much burning since Wilt Chamberlain was a player on the circuit.
     

  • People in Hollywood say that Ellen DeGeneres isn’t always as nice as people think she is. Ellen isn’t always sweet, sometimes she’s sweet and sour.
     

  • Queen Elizabeth’s royal duties have been postponed indefinitely while she isolates at Windsor Castle.  No one wants the Coronavirus to take afflict the country’s leader unless you live in the United States.

 

  • 98-year-old Betty White is going to star in a Lifetime Christmas movie later this year. Betty said she knows all about Christmas, she was in Bethlehem when Jesus was born.
     

  • Cher celebrated her 74th birthday.  Instead of singing Happy Birthday, Cher sang, “If I could turn back time.”  Cher, if you could turn back time, you’d be a Kardashian.
     

  • Meghan Markle and Prince Harry just celebrated two years of marriage and Meghan recreated the place where she and Prince Harry fell in love, in a tent in Botswana.  Which if they don’t find jobs soon, that’s where they’ll be living:  in a tent in Botswana.

 

  • If Trump beats Biden in November, then in 2024 the race will be wide open for Democrats and Republicans.  Still a ways off, the Republicans are considering possibly a more serious candidate: Kanye West.

 

  • A new report says that Kim Jong Un has been holed up at a luxurious seaside hideaway with a harem of 2,000 sex slaves. 2,000 Sex slaves! If Kim Jong Un wasn’t dead before well, he probably is now. 

 

  • People who are receiving stimulus checks will get a letter signed by President Trump.  Some people aren’t happy with this.  While the checks will be used to stoke their bank accounts, the letter will be used to stoke their fireplaces.
     

  • According to a study, if elderly couples had sexual contact within the last 12 months, they felt contentment.  And if they could actually remember doing it, they felt amazing.

 

  • For health reasons, Jet Blue is the first airline to require passengers and crew members to wear face masks.  There is also another benefit: now disgruntled flight attendants will not be able to drink a beer before quitting and exiting down the emergency slide.
     

  • The National Spelling Bee has been canceled this year.  It’s all well and good because everyone knew who the winner would be, a little brat named Siri. 

 

  • President Trump is looking into a possible pardon for Joe Exotic the Tiger King. Don Jr. supports the pardon because Don Jr. and the Tiger King have a lot in common, they both enjoy killing animals for fun.
     

  • Kayleigh McEnamy, the newest White House press secretary, held her first briefing and promised reporters that she would never lie.  Nobody lies in Washington, right.  Everyone knows that’s where Pinocchio got his start.

 

  • Biden has been in a tad bit of trouble for having a history of allegedly fondling ladies. Perhaps he needs to change his campaign slogan, “You’re in good hands with Joe Biden.”

 

  • President Trump signed an executive order against censorship by social media after Twitter tagged a couple of his tweets telling readers to “get the facts.”  Evidently, Twitter doesn’t want twisted twerps to tweet.

 

  • Another parent has been sentenced in the college cheating scandal, for paying to get their child into college this time from the family who created “Hot Pockets.” guilty of having Deep Pockets.
     

  • Sy Sperling, hair loss sufferer and creator of “The Hair Club for Men” passed away last week. To be consistent with his life's mission, he’ll be buried underneath a patch of artificial turf.

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